Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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