what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
