So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
