It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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