is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
