are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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