i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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