I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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