i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
