That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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