I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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