It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
