First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
