explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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