If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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