Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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