he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
