then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
