Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dignity is for republicans.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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