I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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