I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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