We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
