i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
