I wish I could teleport
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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