So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
