My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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