Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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