Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
