So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Four minutes until I can fart!
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
