had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
