you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
