please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
