I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
