I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize