I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize