Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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