All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
