the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
