Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
