I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
