The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize