Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
