I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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