New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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