mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
