I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
