Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
