do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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