Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
