I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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