That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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