you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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