are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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