I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize