I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Let's get the cat blown out
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
