I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
